Who knew God was in peanut butter?

I stole some peanut butter. Not exactly a federal offense and yet it set off a morning of inner dialogue that ran me down like a Mac truck on I-10. But pause, here I am, jumping into the middle of things again. I live in a match box on the bottom half of a homemade bunk bed, if mosey right on up those three wooden stairs you will find a long haired albino most likely in a Texas shirt of some sort, this is my roommate. She is the most American American I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and will let you know just as soon as you meet her. To her the most important things in life are Jesus, family, football and steak. Did I already mention she is a Texan? What can you do, its in our blood. I must be anemic. Continuing. We have been living together for about seven months now and so I can't claim that I haven't learned a few things about her. For instance, she hates when people reach across her plate to grab something instead of just asking to pass it down. Or that she loves coffee flavored ice cream, yet she is always cold. These are the small seemingly irrelevant things you learn about a person as you spend more and more time around them. We share just about everything and she has no problem with that, she just really likes to be asked first. No big deal, right? Right.

I stole some peanut butter. I just took a big spoonful and enjoyed it as an afternoon snack. I'd like to say I just wasn't thinking, but that wouldn't be the truth of the matter. Have you ever seen a dog eating peanut butter? Stuck on the roof of their mouth, their not sure whether to be enjoying the flavor or freaking out at this substance on their tongue so they decide on a combination of the two which turns into knitted eyebrows in confusion and a half smile at the delicious taste. Come on, its kind of funny. This is me at the moment, trying to enjoy this peanut buttery goodness but worrying because I forgot to ask if I could have a tad. But, being me, a human who will most always pick wrong over right, I override the thought and keep on, keepin on.

Later that afternoon...
Roomie: How was class?
Me: *Eyes cast down in shame* Good.
Roomie: Cool, hey listen, I don't mind sharing but would you ask me next time you take my peanut butter?
Me: *How did she know? Note to self: check for hidden cameras* Yeah, sure.

This conversation lasted maybe 30 seconds at the most. Yet I found myself at the end of it blind for the film of red I was seeing through. Enter inner dialogue: How dare she? What is her problem, she already said I could use it yesterday. I should just "accidently" knock the jar off the shelf. Yeah, retaliation is the answer. What am I thinking? I could have just asked, why am I so upset? It isn't even a big deal.
For a 30 second conversation I was dwelling on it for the next 30 minutes before I began to think. I didn't understand why I should immediately feel so defensive, I had to have another conversation to get to the bottom of it.

Sitting in class completely distracted:

Me: God, I don't understand what the root of this is in my heart. I try so hard to seek you, to love you, why do I do the things I don't wish to do and all the things I don't want, I do?
God: Please, Adri, this isn't about peanut butter, you already know what the root is. (My inner Jesus has a bit of a sarcastic tongue)
Me: *Sigh* Yeah, I'm pretty sure I do. In her small request she displayed all the pride in my small inconsiderate heart and I didn't like it. I feel like she is so "holier than thou" though, always pointing out where I go wrong without even having to say it directly. I hate that about her, how am I supposed to love her?
God: So you must hate me too, eh? (Inner Jesus is also Canadian)
Me: No.
God: So love her the same way you love me.
Me: Yeah... I guess you're right. Do you always have to be right?
God: Yes. Oh and p.s. try opening your eyes to what I'm teaching you here, Ray Charles.

So I stole the peanut butter.

VIVIR

"For the thief comes to kill, and steal, and destroy. I came that they may have LIFE and have it abundantly."

I have a problem with Christians.

I have a problem with myself.

I write this blog because the more I see, the less I know. I don't know what it means to live "abundantly", to practically live out this Christ life. The more I see of  Christianity the more confused I become about Christ. I suppose I see it like a simple silver ring. So very... not complex and at the same time beautiful in its gleaming simplicity. Yet over time through the motions of life that ring becomes tarnished. Gunk starts to build up. This gunk takes away from its purity and hides its heart.

This is what Christianity has done to our Christ, we have taken a simple, sweet message and begun to add our own "gunk", rules, regulations, theology, doctrine, ideas, translations... in the end we can no longer see what lies underneath. What once was truth, silver and pure, is now a notion of our greater "understanding", forever tarnishing the freedom hidden beneath.

So how does one live in the midst of Christianity? How do you see Christ, truly see him, when we have all the answers?

 Do we even know what it means to live?